At the Coffee Shop

I've always spent way too much time at coffee shops. It started in college really. I would go to shops in Moscow, Idaho to do all of my school work because for some reason "it helped me concentrate." That's possible, but it probably had more to do with the fact I like being amongst people and there are a lot more cute girls in coffee shops than there are in my apartment (why can't the opposite be true?).

No less, now that I live in Anchorage, I frequent the only real acceptable coffee shop answer - Kaladi Brothers. Over the years, I've had a lot of interesting interactions with baristas but the one today really pretty much killed me.

I hand the girl working the register my card to pay and she looks at it closely.

Her: "David...L...Harper the Second. I know you."
Me: "Do you?"
Her: "Do you go to UAA?"
Me: "Nope."
Her: "Did you go to Kenai High School?"
Me: "No."
Her: "I used to work at Starbucks for a long time...did you used to go there?"
Me: "Umm...nope."
Her: "TGI Fridays?"
Me: "Absolutely not."
Her: "Weird. I know you."
Me: "Well...there are a lot of David Harper's out there, although I must admit you do seem familiar to me as well."
Her: "I know! Wait...were you ever in trouble as an adolescent?"

That one ended it. I started laughing really hard, said no, and just walked away because the transaction was closed. Bizarre but awesome. Baristas are weird.

Coffee anyone???

Artist assistants stand next to 3,604 cups
of coffee which have been made into a giant Mona Lisa in Sydney,
Australia. The 3,604 cups of coffee were each filled with
different amounts of milk to create the different shades!!

Dolla bills, ya'll

While one of the VP's at my company is out, it's my responsibility to get coffee for the man in the corner office (aka the VP/GM of my department). It's kind of different, but I feel I missed out on my opportunity as an intern to be the coffee gofer, so it's kind of rad in its own right. Plus, there is the added bonus of being able to get whatever I want on the company dime. That only works so well, as the coffee shop the boss of bosses gets his mega breves from makes terrible coffee (but I am knee deep in bagels, boyeeee!).

No less, after nearly two weeks of going to this shop I've started to realize that I may go to a far classier joint with much more respectable clientele. The shop I go to has incredibly efficient baristas who make intensely delicious coffee for great prices, plus they get to know all of their customers. They're the classy joint on the block, and I'm an unabashed fan.

Then there is the place I get the drinks for the man in the corner. The place where on Friday's the baristas have to dress up in themed outfits (alright, maybe the bagels aren't the only good part) and their patrons seemingly do not go for a cup of joe, if you know what I'm saying. Typically, I'd be perfectly fine with it. Sketchy old dudes want to be sketchy old dudes. That's cool! I'll be there some day (let's file that one under S, for sad but true). But still, when you race in front of me and then sit and talk to the barista for 15 minutes about how manly you are (or whatever it is you're talking about) without even buying coffee, and then dropping a hefty tip (evidently a fistful of dollars is not just a Clint Eastwood movie), you are going to draw my ire.

I'm pretty sure these are the guys who aren't allowed to go to strip clubs, so they take the closest approximation they can get and drop singles on them out of sheer confusion. Or they are just sleazy. It's really hard to tell sometimes. All I know is they have it right - that coffee is terrible. I wouldn't buy any either.

Half Hour of Power

Myself in my super hero costume

Every day, I extend a 16 oz. triple shot almond rocha/white chocolate americano with steamed half and half (that's right - my coffee is 14 words long, I am such an ass) from a quick beverage to a day long extravaganza. I manage to slow roll that bad boy by continuously microwaving it back to the intensely hot temperatures I prefer it at (I will not drink cold coffee). I get awesome value out of my coffee, and one that provides me piping hot and delicious energy throughout the work day.

It also provides me with the most magical part of my day, and something I've just recently started calling my half hour of power (sort of like DC comics character Hourman...except for half as much). Right when I get to the end of my coffee, I chug probably the last 3 ounces or so because I am also lazy, and laziness is not conducive to getting up and microwaving once more. When drinking quick half ounce sips for an entire day, I don't really derive much energy whatsoever from the coffee - just enough to maintain wakefulness and effectiveness. However, when I pound that last bit, it's like my entire body is lit on fire.

It's like I become a superhero.

I fill cellular orders at incredible rates. I edit telemarketing scripts with remarkable ease. I leap over logistical roadblocks that are miles high. In short, I become some sort of super employee, fueled by coffee, my sweet, sweet nectar of life.

And then I crash harder than a Nascar driver racing against a tree.

Why doesn't that ever happen in comics?

Totally not cool.