To Whom It May Concern

The man I will soon be replacing

Dear Food Network,

First off, I have to say I am a big fan of your network. Not in a spacial sense, I just really like your shows quite a bit. As someone who considers himself a connoisseur of food, being able to watch elite chefs and the amateurs alike is quite the thrill and inspiration as I am occasional overly elaborate culinary artist myself.

Compliments aside, what I am writing about today is to announce my candidacy to become the new host of Diners, Drive-ins, and Dives. Sure, current host Guy Fieri does a good enough job and the show is already massively entertaining, but there are a number of reasons I would do a better job on your spectacular show about the random delicious holes-in-the-wall across the country. Here are some of the reasons:

• I look significantly less ridiculous than Guy (no creepy blond spikes here!)
• I will eat anything (seriously, try me). Even Guy likely has his limits. Limits that I do not have.
• I have an uncanny ability to find small, unknown and tasty restaurants.
• 47% of my friends have described me as "moderately personable" and someone in a bar once told me I was "funny as hell"
• Have an extensive vocabulary - I promise to describe what I eat with more than just "great texture" and "(insert adjective here) juices"
• I am open to traveling not just nationally (and constantly), but worldwide.
• I will work year round - no kidding.
• Best yet - I will work for free. You will just have to pay my travel, room, and food expenses.

So there you have it Food Network. Not only am I perfect for this job, but I am effectively free. I will become your indentured servant of hosting and eating excellence. Yeah, Guy Fieri may be one of your rising stars and the winner of your Next Food Network Star reality show, but I bet he costs a ton and only wears bowling shirts. I am clearly a superior choice.

If you're not sure about my ability to take over that ridiculously awesome show, I disagree but I accept it. However, there are alternative options for hiring this up-and-comer. If need be, I think there is a role for me on your other standout show Everyday Italian. You may be missing this, but as an incredibly empathic person I have noticed that Giada De Laurentiis seems a bit down. I could help with this. As her personal assistant I could help reclaim her glow and love for the craft of making delectable food.

The ball is in your court Food Network.

Choose wisely.

Sincerely,

David Leroy Harper the Second